"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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