We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
