Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
