My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.