I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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