My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
