I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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