this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
