Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
