I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
No I am not eating basil off your cock
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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