I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
