He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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