You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
You are a genius and a whore.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
