yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
