My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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