Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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