please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
