Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
it glows. i had to have it.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
