Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
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