I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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