i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize