You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
