Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
