I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
