I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
