Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
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I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
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New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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