I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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