Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
