I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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