Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
