I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian