A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
