nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
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just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
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I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?