it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
This is sufficient.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow