he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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