I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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