So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
