Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
