And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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