im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
