my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
