you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Randomize
