So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
We are all done wearing pants today
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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