So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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