The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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