Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
