My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
We're too hungover to prance.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
