i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
How external is "for external use only"?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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