Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
