He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize