good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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