Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Operation Purity has been aborted
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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