ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
