I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
