Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
