So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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