yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
