If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
