I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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